


i know that i am nothing new (there's so much more than me and you)

by kayteedancer



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes as Captain America, Bucky Barnes-centric, Gen, M/M, POV Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-05
Updated: 2015-09-05
Packaged: 2018-04-19 02:28:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4729307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayteedancer/pseuds/kayteedancer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky never really wanted to fight.  What the Nazis were doing was wrong and they needed to be stopped; the world needed to be put to rights again, but Bucky didn’t necessarily crave being the one to do it.  He knew it was important work; that he was helping to <i>shape the century</i>, helping to <i>change the future</i>, but all he wanted to do was go <i>home</i>.</p><p>James "Bucky" Barnes becomes Captain America and as much as things change, they still stay the same.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i know that i am nothing new (there's so much more than me and you)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [time, time is a fickle friend](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2624972) by [customrolex](https://archiveofourown.org/users/customrolex/pseuds/customrolex). 



> I had so many feelings after reading "time, time is a fickle friend" by customrolex and finishing the series it is a part of ("come home yesterday," which I highly recommend) that I couldn't deal with myself until got this out of my brain. 
> 
> The title comes from "Turn to Stone" by Ingrid Michaelson and was also inspiration for this story. I love this song so much and it moves me every time I hear it. Definitely listen to it.

Bucky never really wanted to fight.  What the Nazis were doing was wrong and they needed to be stopped; the world needed to be put to rights again, but Bucky didn’t necessarily crave being the one to do it.  He knew it was important work; that he was helping to _shape the century,_ helping to _change the future,_ but all he wanted to do was go _home_.

All he saw when he pulled the trigger was a person dropping, a human being with no future left to them, blood that didn’t have to be spilled if the world was a slightly different, slightly better place.  He didn’t relish the fight like Dum Dum and some of the other Commandos seemed to, didn’t feel that savage joy that he was eradicating evil in human form like they did.  He didn’t love watching bodies drop like marionettes with cut strings.  It was a waste, a waste of a life that could have been amazing and wonderful and _good_ , and each time a body hit the ground Bucky felt that loss keenly. His soul ripped and tarnished and blackened a little more even as the others cheered around him, like death was something to be fucking _celebrated_.

The faces of every person whose life he took showed up in his dreams each night. It didn’t matter if they were Nazis, Nazi-sympathizers, non-combatants; didn’t matter whether he pulled the trigger or threw the grenade or did nothing other than breathe, Bucky mourned them and the lives they could have led and felt their blood on his hands sink so deep into his skin that he knew the stain would never come out.

Bucky never wanted to fight. 

Steve did.

Steve was the one with the innate sense of righteousness, the one that wouldn’t stand for bullies of any shape or size, the one that would take a beating and get right back up, would keep fighting until the end of the line.  Steve would bear the bruises and split lips and the bloody noses he got as a result as badges of honor; he had managed to defend the weak and defenseless even though, by all rights, he was one of the weak and defenseless himself.  Steve would never back down from a fight if he saw it was necessary, if he knew it would make the world safer, would give everyone a chance at a better future.  Steve would never consider not finishing the job, would never consider not destroying HYDRA simply because he was tired and heartsick.  Not wanting to fight wasn’t in Steve’s blood, wasn’t in his character like it was in Bucky’s.

Steve, weak and sick and wheezing and colorblind and partially deaf and so unimaginably stubborn, wanted nothing more than to fight Nazis. Bucky, strong and tall and broad and healthy and trained and so unimaginably tired, wanted nothing more than to go home, to leave the fight to someone else to finish.

Steven Grant Rogers was a much better man than James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes. That’s why it was such a fucking travesty that Steve wasn’t the one that became Captain America; that they shot Bucky up with the Super-Soldier serum instead.  Because Steve was the better man, the best man, who saw the Nazis as bullies that needed to be stood up to and stopped. Steve was the one who should be _shaping the century_ , not Bucky.

All Bucky wanted to do was to stop fighting, to stop killing, and to return home to Steve but he knew Steve would never forgive him for not finishing this fight.  So Bucky continued fighting, continued taking lives and feeling his soul darken and blacken with each gunshot and shield toss as another life was snuffed out, continued feeling the blood of other people staining his hands redder and redder, all in the hope that it would be over soon and that he could return to Steve, could return _home_. He could feel that day grow closer and closer with each base he and the Commandos dismantled, with each HYDRA outpost they destroyed.  Bucky was more than ready for it all to be over.

That’s why as Bucky took control of the crashing Valkyrie and radioed Peggy, he felt tears burn tracks through the dirt and grime covering his face and his heart drop into his stomach.  He was so close, _so fucking close_ , to getting home to Steve that he could taste it, but as he stared out over the unbroken ice he felt the knowledge that he would never get home settle deep into his gut.  He would have to crash the Valkyrie; there was no other option.  Bucky would die fighting, would die doing what he never wanted to do in the first place, but he would do it for Steve. 

He would do it because Steve deserved the chance to live in a world free from evil like the Nazis.  He would do it because it was what Steve would have done in Bucky’s place and Steve was a much better man than Bucky could ever hope to be.   

Bucky never really wanted to fight, but he would do it for Steve who should have been Captain America in the first place. He would fight until the end of the line.


End file.
